Syphillis...English's Most Beautiful Word?

I bet the only reason you are reading this is because of the eye-catching title. I would have been hooked at syphillis, too. Sounds like a new hit single, "You Had Me At Syphillis, Now I'll Always Remember You". I once had a teacher who used to preach the fact that the word "syphillis" was the most beautiful, fantastic word in the English language. He would say that the meaning itself was not exactly pretty, but look past that to THE WORD! He would then make us repeat it until we saw the brilliance in his opinion. "Just feel the way it rolls off the tongue". (It was at this point that my friends and I would start gagging and itching and pretending syphillis was in fact rolling off our tongues. What can I say, even high school needs to be entertaining). He didn't get our humor...kind of the same way we didn't get his odd phonetic obsession with syphillis. Too bad it's the only thing I remember about his class.

What Keeps You Up At Night?

I wish I could say that the thoughts I am soon to write about are few and far between, or abnormal even. For most people, maybe. I mean, society has a million and one other things to worry about including the economy, global pandemics, and whether or not they have a chance to meet a vampire if they move to Forks. I, on the other hand, don't bother with these lesser problems, but rather get right to the issues that matter. The very things that are so magnificently beyond the grasp of human understanding that it takes the likes of me to bring them to the public. So here goes...

Issue-meant-to-keep-you-up-at-night #1:

Imagine yourself walking across a parking lot, making your way to your vehicle in a casual manner. You look to your right and see rows of cars. Ok, expected. You look to your left and see more cars. Again, expected, but for the fact that one dark-colored SUV with the back hatch open catches your eye and you see a black family sitting in the back. This is allowable in the 21st century (yes, even in Wisconsin, but barely). You notice the father wearing an ensemble of all white, which nicely and very obviously contrasts with his skin. That's when the question hits you. The one that is meant to and surely will keep you up at night. When a black person wears all white clothing, are they considered to be gothic?


Issue-meant-to-keep-you-up-at-night #2:

I bet when you were younger that your parents told you that you could be anything you want to be. This is a parental stand-by to make children think they are better than they really are and to give them false hope in an already piss-poor world. Now, don't get me wrong, I fell for this farce as a child and still believed in it up until 3 days ago. That is, until my friend's sister explained the error of my ways. She told me that no matter how hard I tried, I could not be the first person in space. Damn, she's right. Fortunatley for me, I never aspired to this, so while another child's dreams were shattered, mine remained intact. It's a tough world out there, so it was hard to feel bad for the pathetic failure who would never amount to what their parents said they would. That's when I began thinking about what I longed to be more than anything. A Major League baseball player! A couple problems with that...I am a female and don't do steriods. Oh what a twisted fate. Not only does it suck that you really can't be ANYTHING you want, but to add insult to injury, a 14 year old called your parents dirty, filthy liars in such a subtle way that you just finally figured it out. And you write run-on sentences. Fail.


Issue-meant-to-keep-you-up-at-night #3:

The Muppets Wizard of Oz.

Sometimes It's Better to "Stop Believin"...Trust Me

Today, I present to you my question of life. The very thing that I ponder and "hmmm and haw" about too frequently for my own good (or the good of anyone, really). This is probably one of the top 7 reasons that I'm single and not a productive member of society. Here it is...are you ready?

What is is about Journey's "Don't Stop Believin'" that makes people turn into shrieking-think-they-can-sing-douchebags? It has been my unfortunate experience to discover that this song doesn't discriminate, but rather affects all people the same. Now, let's be completely honest here. You see a jean-jacket-clad Kurt standing by his Harley with she-mullet Barbara, you kind of expect this kind of thing. The 80's were a rockin' time and they aren't ready to let go. I get that. It's a self-esteem and comfort thing. What you don't forsee is the man in the BMW and 3-piece suit succumbing to this kind of thing. Bocelli, yes. Celine Dion, maybe. But to act in such a manner as this? Does he have no dignity, no pride. It is already apparent he has no pitch or vocal range to speak of. What is worse, these episodes don't just happen to other people. Uh-uh, nope. Think of your own life. Surely you have a story that would make even Barbara drop her Pall Malls and run. Possibly you are at the at the local Kwik Trip...or in your car...or, heaven forbid, the sacred safety of your own home when the unmistakable tune arrives over the airwaves completly unannouced. You try to fight it. After all, you don't even live within 10 miles of a boulevard, let alone one with strangers waitin' up and down it (shady, in my opinion). But to no avail. It happens. Slowly your brain turns down and your voice turns up. Fast forward 4 minutes and 11 seconds. Song fades and you find yourself with no recollection of just happened, but broken glass is scattered at your feet and your cat's ears are bleeding. Let me clue you in...you just took the midnight train to Douchedom. You couldn't have been more of a douche if you popped your collar and got a Chinese character tattoo. The worst part is that you weren't even alive when the song was popular the first time around...Mayor of Douchedom. Congratulations.


If you are still not convinced, watch this. My point exactly.