Setting an Example Once Again

Not only does Michael Vick enjoy the happy ending in Old Yeller where the title character ends up with buckshot engrained in his head, but he is currently enjoying the happy ending in his own saga, as well. Despite the fact that he was found guilty of a crime, he gets to continue doing what he loves (playing football, obviously). The only small concession is that he must find a team that is willing to take him on. While some teams have stated that they will not be pursuing him, I am sure that there will be someone to rescue this player. Hey, maybe if it doesn't work out for him to be on the field the Patriots will consider him for position of cameraman. A little bird told me that the other teams have some great defense shaping up.

In addition, it was stated by NFL Commissioner Goodell that while he may return to the league, "his margin for error is limited". Personally, I think his margin for error at this point is pretty much non-existent. If this is the example that professional sports wants to send, fine. But as an honest, hardworking member of society I want the same courtesy. The next time I get arrested and spend the next 18 months in prison, I fully expect my former employer to call me with the news that I have been reinstated and can start on Monday. I am officially adopting this as my new employment standard in life and I won't settle for anything less.

5 Things That Would Make My Day More Entertaining....

As I was "working" at my computer today, I was thinking about the things that would invariably make my day more entertaining. Here are the top 5 that I came up with, with examples of course...

5. I commute to and from work everyday. So in other words, I spend 1/12 of my day sitting in traffic. I usually spend this time serenading my captive rush hour neighbors with my amazing voice. This week I have chosen to give them front row seats to the Broadway performance of Wicked, with me singing all parts (I will admit, the harmony does get tricky, but nothing I can't handle). Since I am so courteous to give the hardworking people a show, they could at least return the favor by slapping a couple bumperstickers on their vehicles. I believe bumperstickers are the best way to find out about the people around you that you will probably never actually meet. I think I want to meet the owner of this one, I have a feeling we would get along grandly.


4. Sometimes I think that people should be seen and not heard. By "seen" what I really mean is making awkward faces at people they don't know while in a public setting. This is a rare talent and if you've got it, flaunt it.

3. Every person should be required to do a victory dance at least once a day. It should be a point of competition and pride between friends, family and co-workers. It could be a celebratory jig for anything that you felt you did right on that day. Such as not getting shutout in ping-pong. That's right folks, you can even do a happy-go-lucky, victory dance when you aren't, in fact, the victor.

2. If life-size stick figures walked around in the dark, my life would be complete.

1. And with the top honors, the greatest thing that someone could do to make my day more entertaining is to take away the very thing their child cherishes above all else. Parents should be aware of the power they have to turn even the most mundane of days into pure, unadulterated joy.

September is Velociraptor Awarness Month...Are You Ready?

Did you know that velociraptor attacks are the 3rd leading cause of death in men between the ages of 27-29? These fierce creatures have also been known to carry off family pets, toddlers and great-grandmothers. It is shocking news like this that forces me to reach out to my human counterparts and give them hope that they can indeed survive these stealthy dinosaurs.

Those of you who know me, know that I suffer from a life-consuming fear of velociraptors. I have been ridiculed and mocked for years about this affliction, but I stand by my beliefs that you all will be the first to be painfully devoured alive due to your lack of respect and preparation.

I feel it is my duty as a velociraptor awareness activist to provide anyone who wishes to educate themselves the means by which to do so. For any who would like to learn how to properly defend themselves against these cunning predators, please read the manual below. Pay particular attention to the "Safety around Velociraptors" section. In fact, it may not be a bad idea to print this off and place within every room of your home. It is also recommended you carry a laminated copy in your purse or wallet in the event of an out-of-home ambush.

Velociraptor Awareness Manual

Stay Classy, River Falls

If the school year is used to help college students become adult thinkers, then summer vacation is definitely used to help college students develop classy, adult behaviors. Take the following glimpse into my life for example:

It is a Saturday evening and I am enjoying the company of a few of my college pals. We are sharing a bottle of Arbor Mist Blackberry Merlot and all click-clacking away on our respective laptops. Most of us are happy to just have humans nearby, although we don't necessarily need to be talking to them. The serenading sounds of Pandora.com are playing in the background. It is then that I realize that we are one classy group. Me, drawing tattoo ideas out for my friend while Googling the latest news about my current celebrity obsession Adam Lambert. Two more sharing a riveting conversation about tomorrow's breakfast plans amid sips of wine. Various others are walking in and out, stopping to chat or visit the fridge after being ousted from a cut-throat game of Hold 'Em. The fun and sophistication continues on throughout the evening. I won't go into more detail as it is almost too much for you non-classy bloggers to understand.

I think the only thing that would make this evening more classy would be if Ron Burgundy happened to show up with Baxter in tow, ready to dazzle with some jazz flute and perhaps join us in a rendition of "Afternoon Delight".

Fame is Calling

I'm going to be famous, bitches! When I figure out just exactly how to do that, you will see. Get out your pocket books and Black AMEX cards because you are going to need them. Thanks to all in advance for handing over your hard-earned money to support my egocentric, celebrity ass. This is a fair warning, y'all.

White Conversation 101

I have discovered the trick to conversing as a white person. All you really need to do is make whatever you say a rhyme. It could be sharing your emotions or saying goodbye. Hell, this method of speaking works for just about anything! Below is an average conversation you may hear by your local, neighborhood white people.

White #1: What's up, buttercup?
White #2: Notta lotta. Thanks for asking.
White #1: How did you do playing golf yesterday?
White #2: I was a winner, winner, chicken dinner!
White #1: Yeah, well you are a natural. Always make it look like a piece of cake.
White #2: It's easy squeezy, lemon peazy.
White #1: Well, I need to get going. Jimmy has soccer practice soon. I'll see ya later, alligator.
White #2: OK, after awhile, crocodile.

I dont' make this stuff up. Just listen around you and enjoy our white poets of society.