September is Velociraptor Awarness Month...Are You Ready?

Did you know that velociraptor attacks are the 3rd leading cause of death in men between the ages of 27-29? These fierce creatures have also been known to carry off family pets, toddlers and great-grandmothers. It is shocking news like this that forces me to reach out to my human counterparts and give them hope that they can indeed survive these stealthy dinosaurs.

Those of you who know me, know that I suffer from a life-consuming fear of velociraptors. I have been ridiculed and mocked for years about this affliction, but I stand by my beliefs that you all will be the first to be painfully devoured alive due to your lack of respect and preparation.

I feel it is my duty as a velociraptor awareness activist to provide anyone who wishes to educate themselves the means by which to do so. For any who would like to learn how to properly defend themselves against these cunning predators, please read the manual below. Pay particular attention to the "Safety around Velociraptors" section. In fact, it may not be a bad idea to print this off and place within every room of your home. It is also recommended you carry a laminated copy in your purse or wallet in the event of an out-of-home ambush.

Velociraptor Awareness Manual