I was drunk and I rollerbladed into a gay bar...

I was having a conversation with my aunt while boating out on the lake yesterday and this (see title) is how she started one of her stories. Only these 10 words made it out of her mouth before I burst into a gut-busting laughing fit. Fastforward 4 minutes and 28 seconds to the point when I can catch my breath and wipe the river of tears off of my face. At this point, I naturally couldn't let her actually finish her story until I analyzed her intro word for word. Here goes.

"I was drunk..."

Ok, this is not news. She sucks down wine like it is merely Welch's. She calls cosmopolitans "koolaid". If she had a Myspace page, you would find Jose, Jack and Jager in her top 8 friends. It really isn't even a shock when she tells you that it is shortly before noon. (Logically, if you want to drink all day, you need to start before noon.)

"and I rollerbladed..."

This may be the funniest part of the story, believe it or not. She is not known for her coordination, athletically speaking. She can totter all over a city on stilettos after a pitcher of "koolaid" like a pro. But put her on wheels and she (and the unlucky soul in her way) may have a problem. Now bear in mind that at this point, she is drunk AND rolling down a sidewalk. How this woman didn't get tagged for a DWI is beyond me.

"into a gay bar..."

Similar to the drunkeness, this is expected. She has many gay friends, thus has frequented these establishments. In fact, she lovingly refers to herself as a "fag hag".

Moving on in the story. Now that we managed to get past the first 10 words. With an introduction like this, I almost expected anything else that came out of her mouth to be somewhat anti-climactic. I should have known better.

As we have established, she was drunk and rollerbladed into a gay bar. As it turned out, she didn't roll herself in there by her own power. See, she had never been into this particular gay bar and upon saying so, her friend thought he would help her out by shoving her through the door.

Stumbling through the door of a bar (any door, really) on rollerblades typically ends in one way. With the person flat on their stomach. This case wasn't any different. What WAS different was what she happened to see upon looking up from the floor. Any guesses? I can almost guarantee that you are not correct, but it might be fun to try.

Are you done coming up with the alternative ending yet? I don't want to give anything away if you aren't prepared.

OK, you've had enough time. Back to the story.

By now she is on her hands and knees, probably looking quite ridiculous with a pair of rollerblades on her feet. She peers up just in time to see a man sitting in a bathtub with another man standing above him. Once again, it's a gay bar. Somewhat expected. But this man doing the standing also happens to be peeing on the man in the bathtub. Apparently my aunt has discovered a couple who has a fetish.

Quite the appropriate ending, if you ask me. Actually, I think I would be disappointed if she happened to rollerblade into a gay bar while intoxicated and NOT see one man urinating on another man. It would be a waste of the alcohol that was the root of the whole event.